First week of January!!!
This week has been interesting. First week back at school and I’m actually not as swamped as normal. For that I’m grateful. I was working full time during the week to make sure I wouldn’t have anything to do this weekend. I mean, there’s always work to do but I’ve decided to be free and to rest.
I started doing this medicine work experience thing. It’s online but the first session I’ve had brought me so much joy. Apart from learning stuff about the emergency room, just listening to the doctors and seeing how tired they were satisfied me. That might sound sadistic. But something about seeing that tiredness and that knowledge and yet, that humanity right in front of me really really excited me. I really think this is what I want to do. Being exhausted doing something you love is worth it the way I see it.
That aside, I was doing some deep thinking recently and just wanted to say that if a relationship makes you feel horrible about yourself or undeserving, quit it. If the person or people in that relationship intentionally make you feel that way, definitely leave. Even if it’s unintentional though, leave. Better to spend some alone time working on yourself and the insecurities that make you feel that way in relationships than to stay in a place that is damaging for your mental health. If those relationships are for you, those people will understand, wait or be ready when you are ready. Having said that, not every relationship is for you. Not everyone deserves you. Been learning that myself. I think as people when things go wrong in relationships or when we don’t have particular friends or the friends we want consistently, we begin to think it’s an ‘us’ problem. Now I’m trying not to judge people anymore right? But if people decide not to be friends with you, especially without getting to know you, it’s not a ‘you’ problem, it’s a ‘them’ problem. Why stress yourself out and demean yourself because people chose not to get to know you or be with you? Don’t wait to be chosen. Don’t wait for people to pick you as friends and then just be honoured for being considered. You are amazing! The right people will know that. You don’t need to be chosen. You can choose. I am still working on myself and becoming the person I know I was made to be, but right now I am going to stop giving people the power to decide my worth by whether they choose to spend time with me or not. People can be friends with whoever they want. And if they choose not to be friends with me, it does not mean I am undeserving. Absolutely not.
Yeah.... besides that, I am becoming really excited about the things that scared and worried me so much about this year. Great thing about God. I am learning to be intentional about where I place my energy and time. I want to love people completely knowing fully that they might not return my efforts (cause it's really not about them; it's about God), but at the same time, I want to know when God is showing me relationships are not meant for me. I don't want to be so desperate for certain friendships that I miss all the warning signs, you know. I also don't want to be so attached to people that I don't feel conformatable being independent or having solitude. Alone does not mean lonely, no matter what culture says.
I almost forgot to talk about the Capitol incident. I love how we always feel the need to comment on world affairs :). Globalization has made it important for us to not just know what's happening in the world, but to have an opinion. Compassion makes it necessary to care. Anyway, it's interesting really. Before 2020, I thought America was the poster child for what a country should look like and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Since last year though, with the COVID response and the increased focus on and appearances of racism, there's been a lot of disillusionment. America is a country that is struggling, maybe not more than others, but I would say as much. I won't be so bold as to try to define what America's issues are, especially cause I can only see what I'm shown, but those issues are present. Very present. My point in saying all this is that, I would not have thought that what happened in the Capitol could happen. Like people just showed up and got in? In the America I visualised in my head when I was a kid, the strength of the security would ensure things like that couldn't happen. But here we are. An additional peculiarity is the response of this same security to a more peaceful version of this week's events a while back. Showing that the security is not incompetent, they are just picky about when they are competent. I won't say more, but it's really interesting to know where different people rank in terms of importance.
Hope some of my ranting made some sense to you.
God bless
Dera
I started doing this medicine work experience thing. It’s online but the first session I’ve had brought me so much joy. Apart from learning stuff about the emergency room, just listening to the doctors and seeing how tired they were satisfied me. That might sound sadistic. But something about seeing that tiredness and that knowledge and yet, that humanity right in front of me really really excited me. I really think this is what I want to do. Being exhausted doing something you love is worth it the way I see it.
That aside, I was doing some deep thinking recently and just wanted to say that if a relationship makes you feel horrible about yourself or undeserving, quit it. If the person or people in that relationship intentionally make you feel that way, definitely leave. Even if it’s unintentional though, leave. Better to spend some alone time working on yourself and the insecurities that make you feel that way in relationships than to stay in a place that is damaging for your mental health. If those relationships are for you, those people will understand, wait or be ready when you are ready. Having said that, not every relationship is for you. Not everyone deserves you. Been learning that myself. I think as people when things go wrong in relationships or when we don’t have particular friends or the friends we want consistently, we begin to think it’s an ‘us’ problem. Now I’m trying not to judge people anymore right? But if people decide not to be friends with you, especially without getting to know you, it’s not a ‘you’ problem, it’s a ‘them’ problem. Why stress yourself out and demean yourself because people chose not to get to know you or be with you? Don’t wait to be chosen. Don’t wait for people to pick you as friends and then just be honoured for being considered. You are amazing! The right people will know that. You don’t need to be chosen. You can choose. I am still working on myself and becoming the person I know I was made to be, but right now I am going to stop giving people the power to decide my worth by whether they choose to spend time with me or not. People can be friends with whoever they want. And if they choose not to be friends with me, it does not mean I am undeserving. Absolutely not.
Yeah.... besides that, I am becoming really excited about the things that scared and worried me so much about this year. Great thing about God. I am learning to be intentional about where I place my energy and time. I want to love people completely knowing fully that they might not return my efforts (cause it's really not about them; it's about God), but at the same time, I want to know when God is showing me relationships are not meant for me. I don't want to be so desperate for certain friendships that I miss all the warning signs, you know. I also don't want to be so attached to people that I don't feel conformatable being independent or having solitude. Alone does not mean lonely, no matter what culture says.
I almost forgot to talk about the Capitol incident. I love how we always feel the need to comment on world affairs :). Globalization has made it important for us to not just know what's happening in the world, but to have an opinion. Compassion makes it necessary to care. Anyway, it's interesting really. Before 2020, I thought America was the poster child for what a country should look like and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Since last year though, with the COVID response and the increased focus on and appearances of racism, there's been a lot of disillusionment. America is a country that is struggling, maybe not more than others, but I would say as much. I won't be so bold as to try to define what America's issues are, especially cause I can only see what I'm shown, but those issues are present. Very present. My point in saying all this is that, I would not have thought that what happened in the Capitol could happen. Like people just showed up and got in? In the America I visualised in my head when I was a kid, the strength of the security would ensure things like that couldn't happen. But here we are. An additional peculiarity is the response of this same security to a more peaceful version of this week's events a while back. Showing that the security is not incompetent, they are just picky about when they are competent. I won't say more, but it's really interesting to know where different people rank in terms of importance.
Hope some of my ranting made some sense to you.
God bless
Dera
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