Dera's Diary

Hey... Been thinking a bit about my intentions lately. About how I do things that seem good and that definitely feel good and that make me look noble. But I do it for myself. I do it to be seen as someone willing to sacrifice her time and do all these good things. To be seen as being righteous and kind and compassionate. I've been a people pleaser for a good chunk of my life and it seems like every other day, I continue to recognise just how deep those tendencies run. It's not enough to say that you don't care what people think. And I don't know that that is necessarily the best thing... to just not care at all. But we need to be able to analyse not just the obvious things we do and say that have been influenced by people, but also the way we think and the things we believe and the way we respond to hardship. I think there's a reason it feels good to do something for other people. And I don't think that feeling is bad, or wanting that feeling is bad. But th

I listened to a song today that reminded me of a tough time in my life. I think it’s beautiful how songs do that; they can transport us back to people, to times, to places, to emotions. For some people I know, this isn’t a good thing. They get transported back to difficult times and so those songs that were once lifelines can no longer be listened to in better times. And I get that. You really can end up reliving those difficulty days. But somehow, I always smile. I may be crying and smiling, but I’m always smiling. I have a certain song that reminds me of studying for qualifying exams when I was 13 during a tough time for my family. I have a song that reminds me so vividly of the hotel I stayed at during my first quarantine in 2020. I have songs that remind me of my first thanksgiving in the US. I have a song that reminds me of being 10 years old and in boarding school for the first time (it’s shower by Becky G by the way). And the song that initiated this post actually reminds me of