Intentions and Commitment

Hey...

Been thinking a bit about my intentions lately. About how I do things that seem good and that definitely feel good and that make me look noble. But I do it for myself. I do it to be seen as someone willing to sacrifice her time and do all these good things. To be seen as being righteous and kind and compassionate. I've been a people pleaser for a good chunk of my life and it seems like every other day, I continue to recognise just how deep those tendencies run.

It's not enough to say that you don't care what people think. And I don't know that that is necessarily the best thing... to just not care at all. But we need to be able to analyse not just the obvious things we do and say that have been influenced by people, but also the way we think and the things we believe and the way we respond to hardship. I think there's a reason it feels good to do something for other people. And I don't think that feeling is bad, or wanting that feeling is bad. But there will be times that that feeling just won't be present and if we equate doing good with this warm, gooey feeling, then I fear we won't do good often. Because doing good, real good, means going out of our comfort zones and dedicating time and effort that we may not even feel like we have most of the time.

Another weird thing I've been realising about myself recently; I am both capable of committing too much and committing too little. When I have said that I will help with something or help run some program or volunteer for something, I find it very hard to go back on that, even when I should. Last semester, I applied for this job and when I got it my mum was worried that it would be too much for me. Rightly so. I didn't want to quit before I even started. But I knew myself and knew that once I actually started, I would find it very hard to quit. Even if I was drowning. Not great, I know. But I find it so hard to do that with people. Aside from my family (who I'm realising I might actually run through fire for), I find it way too easy to cut ties. I had some pretty tough friendship experiences in my formative years, and I'm learning that I'm still walking in the survival mode I had to develop back then. I'm still trying to protect myself, but in ways that are only harming me. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that; we take things and mindsets that we needed in a certain season to a new one where they are only hindering us. I want to have good, healthy friendships. And I'm trying to be healthy myself. But so much of the gap is in my mind and the way I view friendships.

For so long, I would never be the first person to speak to someone. I didn't want to put myself out there and then be rejected. I had been there, done that and had many lonely months to show for it. At some point, I also started trying to get to know everyone, so I had good surface relationships with everyone, but no solid ones. And the thing is, we all desire to be known by people. But even when I meet new people and we had a good rapport, I found and still find myself holding back. I feel weird about sharing so much of myself in the beginning... which I don't think is so weird, but how do you build better relationships without being vulnerable about something? I had had one too many experiences where I really shared myself with someone and then the friendship fell apart and then I would feel so stupid. Someone I know was talking to me about soemthing similar to this recently - having a relationship end and then feeling like you wasted time. I could clearly tell this person that since they didn't go into the relationship expecting it to end, they couldn't look back at it with only regret. How quick we are to disperse advice that we then wholly ignore in our own lives. We can enter into friendships. And we can share ourselves (with wisdom, there still has to be some wisdom with this). And we can do it, or should do it, without wondering when or if that friendship will last the test of time. Because the fact that it may not does not mean it is not worth investing in now. The fact that it may end does not mean that there is nothing you will learn from it or nothing you can give. We hear that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Getting to know someone so deeply and be there for them and have them be there for you is a privilege. We may not know how long it will last, but what are we doing while the opportunity is here?

I overthink. A lot. I'm trying to learn to slow down and enjoy the things I have right now. I'm learning to start the conversations and then follow up. I'm learning that regret tastes a lot like rejection and I don't want to regret not trying anymore. I don't want to be so scared or insecure anymore. God and I are working on me, and I think it's going to be a lifetime project, but that's okay. I can see myself clearer than I could a little while ago and while she needs a lot of work, she's not where she used to be. And that's enough progress for me right now.

Just my thoughts.

God bless

Dera