I choose joy!


Hello there everyone,

How's your week been? I hope it's been good. I think mine has been... I've gotten to a certain place that I'm pretty proud of. . I actually made some notes for this post, so you know it's gonna be good :)

The latter of this year, I've found myself going a bit too far trying to please people.I've done anything crazy, but for a while I was constantly worrying about whether my actions sat well with people. Keep in mind that these people were my teachers. I'm in a new place and I've been struggling for a while with my relationships with my teachers. Not that I have bad relationships with them. I just don't think I have as strong of a relationship as I am accustomed to. And that didn't sit well with me. Not knowing where I stood with them did not sit right with me. I got a whole lot of advice but it honestly didn't help too much. Not until I had a serious conversation with myself. I want to be a good student. I want to have a good relationship with each of my teachers. Maybe there's more I can be doing. Maybe there isn't. Regardless, my worth is not supplemented or detracted by what my relationship with my teachers looks like. And beyond that, if I stop focusing so much on what I think our relationship should look like and more on being a good student, that relationship will most likely come anyway. I hope you can relate to this. It doesn't have to be about your teachers. There might be a couple of people in your life whose opinions really do matter. But if you let everyone's opinion or the depth of your relationship with everyone have a say in how you see yourself, then you're destined for ruin. I don't want to give anyone that much power over me.

Moving forward, I've been planning something in school for a while. From the preparation conversations to the actual execution earlier this week, I've been knee-deep in worry. Before the execution, there would be so many times that I would find myself stressing and worrying over what could happen. Somehow, I survived that and made it to the execution stage. I can boldly say that almost everything that could have wrong since then has gone wrong. And yes, I give COVID a lot of the credit for that. I was so nervous about introducing the idea to people and was worried about whether or not people would want to participate, but that was actually the least of my problems. After I assigned people, I realised not everyone wanted to participate and I had assumed they all did. I made it through that as well, but then COVID struck deeper and started pulling participants and gatherings I had relied on from the equation.

What this plan looks like right now is far away from what I originally thought it would be. But somehow, I feel more peace now than I have since its beginning. I've been learning this a lot this year, but I keep on learning it; Control is truly an illusion. That sounds so conspiracy theory-like, but it's true. Unless you're God (and you're not), believing you have control over anything and anyone but yourself is completely false. I can't control COVID. I can't control how many people want to participate or what people think of me. I can't control quarantine. I can't control other people. But I can choose to be flexible in a crazy time. I can choose to be creative when plan A goes awry. I can choose to study whether or not my teacher ever knows about it. I can choose to keep going even when my plans are crashing down around me. Joy is a lot deeper than happiness because where happiness is an emotion, joy is a choice. The times may not be happy, but there is joy to be found. There is peace to be felt. And honestly, I'm feeling it. I will do my part and adapt to the situation knowing fully well that the rug could be swept up from under my feet at any moment. And if it is, I'll get up and keep going. Hope is a risk, and like we all know, there is no reward without risk. COVID has shown me that even though I can't control my circumstances all the time, I can control my reaction. And I choose joy.

God bless

Dera

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