My thoughts on best friends

Hello everyone,


How are we feeling? If your schedule is anything like mine, you're going back to school on Monday. I have to say, I feel pretty good; not because the Easter break suddenely made me love work and assignments... no, no, no. But because I feel prepared (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) for the term. It's going to be a full one, with exams and tons of deadlines, but I'm looking forward to it anyway. It's a pretty good feeling.

I was really brainstorming what I could possibly write about today. A couple of things that have been on my mind lately came up, but I don't think I'm at the place of sharing all those inner stirrings just yet. What I have decided to talk about is nothing new: friendships - best friendships in particular.

Ever since I was in primary school, having a 'best friend' was so important to me. In primary school, it was easier. I had two best friends and there were tons of other people vying for my attention (if you went to primary school with me and I'm exaggerating, please don't disgrace me!!!). That's how I felt anyway. Out of the various things that could possibly having been competing for my attention at that age, friendships weren't really one of them. So secondary school was a huge change. I had so many ideas of what it would be like, so I entered with this rock-hard shell around myself. Beyond that, I realised that making friends was a bit harder than it was in primary school. People, somehow, already had established friend groups. On the first day of school! Seven years later and I am only starting to figure it out. But yeah, it was very different to what I imagined. As though acknowledging the difficulty was not enough, I took it upon myself to label practically every friend as a 'best friend'. I definitely did it in year 7 and was blown away by the utter disappoinment and betrayal I got out of those relationships. This attempt also invloved a friend group - a topic which deserves it's own post. I tried again in year 9 and it was the same.

Around this time though, I undertook what I fondly called my 'outreach programme'. It was my decision to get to know the other people in my set and form relationships with them. I think this was the shining glory of my last three years. I was pretty comfortable around everyone. No, not everyone was my close friend, but I could strike conversation with anyone which made life so much easier. Having said that, I experienced about two more 'best friend' debacles in senior school. The first one was a friendship I would never have expected. Like the other 'best friendships' it ended because I felt I was giving more effort than I was receiving, which is never a great feeling to have. A few more things complicated the end of this particular friendship, but needless to say, it ended. The last debacle was not as bad as the previous ones cause I had kinda learnt that the 'best friend' label was troublesome and that I should take my time before conferring such titles on people. My last 'best friend' was someone I'd been friends with for a while. We had an on-off relationship (which annoyed me a lot, I must confess), but I knew I could go to her when the going got tough and that I could really talk to her about God, which is huge for me. She was one of those people that was friends with everyone, which brings it own unique issues. And after all my experience with 'best friends', I thought it best not to expect too much from her, which is why it was extra weird when she really started making time for me. I didn't hate it, I just didn't expect it to last long. To my surprise, it did. I'm still good friends with her now, though a year has passed since we've been in school together and I'm grateful that I had her when I was in secondary school. Why then is she an example, you might ask? We never called each other best friends. But honestly, my relationship with her was and still is one of a kind and so I always felt like we could be, if we chose to be. I know it's just a title, but it really carries weight (or it has in my experience). Anyway, I felt that she felt the same (and maybe she does, who knows!). Over quarantine though, I heard some stuff about her and her 'best friend' which nipped those dreams in the bud. I didn't hear it from her and so it may not be true, but I had other reasons to suspect it might.

What are you meant to gain from this thrilling saga of my previous best friendships? One, labels can be really damaging. They never really were in my case and the friendships always ended for other reasons. But I think bringing those labels in prematurely, or bringing them into the wrong relationships can lead to a lot of avoidable hurt and drama. And I know it's hard to know when it's right to give those labels which is why prayer is truly the key. There are just some things we can't know on our own. Two, be grateful for the friends you have now without worrying about whether you're their best friend. If that person is making the time for you, you guys have similar values, you feel comfortable with the person and you have a healthy relationship, it might be better to just enjoy that relationship right now instead of worrying about whether you'll be friends for life or about whether that person considers you their best friend. Energy and effort from both parties is a requirement. Definitely. But that word 'best friend' (or compound word, whatever) can put an unhealthy expectation on people sometimes. People are imperfect and they will have other friends and someone may be your best friend without you being theirs. It's hard. But if that person is still actively making time for you and loving and supporting you, then appreciate the gift that person is, without soiling that relationship with your insecurities. The final thing I will say is, have standards. It can be really hard when you can see everybody else making friends on day one and having people to walk and share stuff with. But in the long run, you will be so thankful to yourself for creating the environment for the right people to come into your life. I think about this so much because I am in the sixth form now, and when I first came in I was concerned about how I could possibly make good friends in two years, when some of my best friendships in secondary school only came in year 5.I don't want to share things I'm not ready to share or do stuff I've told myself I won't do just so that I can make friends and just so that I can say that I have friends. And so I had to make a rigid decision not to rush things just because I may only have two years with these people. If the friendships are meant to develop, we have the whole of our lives. Why do I have to go through the entire friendship life cycle right now? I have to remind myself of this ever so often, but when I remember what I definitely don't want to do, there really is not another choice but to be patient. I would advise you to do the same to. Don't rush it.

I am definitely still learning on this journey and my advice may change from one day to the next, but this much I know, not every friendship is meant to last forever. Some are seasonal. And if you spend the entire duration of that friendship trying to figure out if it's eternal or seasonal, you won't really enjoy it. So think ahead, by all means, but don't become so invested in the future that you miss out on the present.

God bless

Dera