You can do hard things (Part 2)

Hello world,

I recently had a really good conversation with an old friend from high school and I'm always pleasantly surprised by how similar experiences can be between different people and how your experience can be so useful to someone else. That was a mouthful, I know. But we were talking about universities in the US (a topic I have done a lot of research on) and she was telling me things I didn't know and I was doing the same for her. Though we've had different educational journeys these last few years, we are both in similar positions now and I think it's amazing how capable we are of helping each other.

Recently, it was world suicide prevention day and today is the 20 year anniversary of 9/11. There is so much pain in the world, but I have realised that there is so much that we can do for each other just by sharing our experiences or asking intentional questions and actually listening to the answers. This is not to say that by sharing your experiences you can save people or that it is your responsibility to do so, but so many people feel alone and like noone understands what they are going through and if we can help people understand that that is not true, I think it could make a huge difference. Personally, I find it really hard to open up to people in a new environmnet because I feel like my past experiences are trying to teach me to be selective and patient about who I am vulnerable with and when I am vulnerable. But I recognise that relationships cannot be built without intimacy or vulnerability and even beyond the realms of just the people I want to be friends with, I think there is a lot of value in going the extra mile so that people that are hurting know that they are not hurting alone.

I was working on an essay for university about a struggle I had faced and how it had affected me. At first I wrote about my practice expedition for the Duke of Edinburgh award, but then I had my sister look it through for me and she thought that there were deeper struggles I could talk about. Anyway, it got me thinking about perfectionism and how I finally diagnosed the consistent struggle I have had with it over my life, last year. It probaly started in primary school. There was this one guy that always beat me academically. I would work so hard and always fall short of the grades he got. It really got me into a place of trying to be perfect but also facing the inadequacy that came with falling short of that. When I got to secondary school, I tried to change all that. But even though I started off at the top of my class, there was so much competition and I had to fight to stay there and I ended up failing a lot. The pressure that came with trying to be perfect at school and constantly beat people while also being perfect in my leadership roles could get so intense. When I was in year 12, I became head girl which was definitely a prayer answered. But it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I was constantly second-guessing myself, my actions and my decisions. Trying to be perfect exhausted me, but I couldn't stop. In my new school, I tried to be 'perfect' again and that plan crashed and burned, just as I should have been able to predict. The turning point was in second term earlier this year when I realised that trying to do everything and trying to do everything in a way that I had predetermined was perfect was impossible. I legitimately could not do it and I didn't want to anymore.

I can't say I do not still get the tendencies to beat myself over every mistake. And everytime I think I overcome it in one area of my life, I find another area where I'm still failing; a good way of continuing the cycle. It's definitely going to be a lifelong process. But what I can say is that ever since I recognised this problem and began to prioritise doing my best and being myself without the arbirtrary expectaitions and pressure, life has been so much better. I can do assignments and send them without hyperventilating. I can walk up to new people and say hello even though I tiny part of me wants to stay safe on my own where rejection cannot really happen. I can try new sports and activites and give myself grace if I am not naturally gifted. Once you've gotten into the perfectionist cycle, it's really hard to get out. But hard is not impossible. You can do hard things!!!



God bless.

Dera