I'm tired of being scared


Hello everyone,

I can't believe it's that time of week again alreadys. Even though I was much busier this week than last week, I felt a lot more energetic. But that might just be me coming out of my post-exam exhaustion.

I was listening to a podcast tonight that was talking about being strong and courageous the way we are called to in the Bible. And while I was listening to it (just to show how fear-conditioned I am), I started thinking about the football match I have tomorrow and how cold it might be and how I already feel sore and I haven't run at all. And how my performance affects the team. And how I need to be able to run fast and breathe right even though I find it really hard to in this weather. I also began to think about next week and the meetings and projects that are stressing me out right now. The point of all this is that, we are very scared people. I definitely am. We're constantly in the future thinking about all that can go wrong or in the past fearing that bad things that happened then will happen again. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying it's bad to plan or to learn from the past. But we make all these plans and somehow think that they give us control. They give us control over ourselves. But we are only a teenie tiny piece of the puzzle. There is so much we cannot control and until we truly accept that, we will forever make plans that never do what we want them to. I recoginse that recognising the utter lack of control we have is very scary in and of itself. But in a way, I think it's also freeing. I can do my best and rest.

Anyway, back to the fear. The more responsibility I get, the more opportunities I have access to, the more I feel is at stake every time I make a mistake or every time things don't go the way they were 'supposed' to. But I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of being scared of everything. Not only does it distract me from doing the things I actually can, it also keeps me in this hypersensitive state of waiting for all the bad things I've thought of to happen without ever preparing myself to handle them. A huge prayer and goal of mine this year is to be more courageous. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll be going off to do extreme sports or anything. But moment by moment and day by day, I want my decisions to be led by faith and hope instead of fear. I want to do things I love and enjoy without staining them with doubt and worry. I want to plan things but be prepared to change my plans without thinking that change means failure. I want to say those things and do those things that I've always wanted to, that could make a huge difference in someone else's life, that I have never done because I was scared of someone's else's reaction. Fear is something we all experience, but I for one am committed to reducing the influence it has over my thoughts, decisions and actions. Who's with me?!

God bless.

Dera

Comments

  1. JojuJanuary 28, 2022 at 2:12 PM

    I think planning ahead gices people a sense of control over the future, a sense of control might be all we need to stay sane sometimes

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DeraFebruary 5, 2022 at 9:22 AM

      You're right and I think planning is so necessary. But I've found in my life that plans are only as good as our understanding that they might change.

      Delete

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