Dera's Diary

Hello, These days, we're always being told in one way or another to fake it till we make it. We're told that if we do not have the confidence, then we should pretend we do. If you don't have the friends, pretend you do. If you don't have the money, pretend you do. Recently, I watched Inventing Anna and she was definitely good at this - at pretending to have what she didn't in order to get what she wanted. In a sense, I understand. Sometimes, our insecurities and fears would have us avoiding conversations and opportunities that we need. We can't always trust our feelings. And sometimes, we have to step out of our comfort zones and do things that we might be so terrified of. But I think situations like Inventing Anna show that pretending can only get you so far. If we allow our pretense to become the entire journey, then we can never really enjoy those relationships or opportunities because they are built on lies. If you are scared of going for a particular p...

Hello there, I wasn't really sure what to write about today... but as I began to stare at the blank screen in front of me, something finally came to mind. It stems from some of the posts I've already written, so just bear with me if you're a regular. Last week I was talking about how as people, we are very fond of comparing ourselves to other people and even to our own past selves in unhealthy ways. In the same way, I think we tend to come up with reasons why we aren't able to do things that we have the opportunity, strength and maybe even responsbility to do. Age was particularly on my mind today and I was thinking about how we covet certain ages and almost use that as an excuse to do nothing in our youth, waiting for that moment when we finally become adults and 'can' do things. When we become adults, we wait until we have that job or those savings or that partner. And I think it's great to make plans and to have vision, but sometimes, I think we use t...

Hello, Towards the end of this week, I found myself reminiscing about my year 7 self; about the songs that drove me crazy and the dance parties on Sunday mornings with friends. I thought about not caring so much about what people thought and about not having to worry about universities and jobs. Life was so much easier back then. But was it? When I think closely, I remember being so confident and then being so humbled when people told me what they really thought of me. I remember doing great in school and struggling every single day to keep that up and maintain the expectations that my good performance had created in my mind but also in the minds of those around me. I remember pushing people away, unconsciously and unintentionally, and letting the wrong people in and regretting that. I remember not really knowing how I wanted to be seen and falling into patterns that just didn’t really serve me or anyone in the long run. I think as people, our tendency is to believe that the gras...

Hello, It's been a pretty heavy week in a lot of ways. The war raging in Ukraine has been on my heart quite a bit and I can't help but worry about the bitterness and hatred that is being developed because of and as a side effect of the war. I fear that the war will pass and the hatred will not and so that takes up quite a bit of space in my prayers these days. Another thing is that I am recognising (again and again) is how much of my actions and inactions are dictated by how I think people will think. And when I say / write it out like this, it sounds so stupid that I would let my assumptions of how people would react dictate the way I live my life, but it does. I think I am a quiet person in some ways. But sometimes, my quietness is influenced more by how I think people would react if I said what I truly thought and believed. Don't get me wrong; self-control is necessary. We need to think things through before we act and speak. But I feel I think it through a bit to...