Goodbye

I remember it like it was yesterday, that Sunday two years ago

The church service we had and the way we danced like it was just any other last Sunday of the term

I remember going back to the house and loosening my hair in a friends room

And I remember the sudden phone call from my mum that sent me packing my suitcases because the borders were closing and we had little time

When I think back to how I spent those last few moments at school, I’m surprised I didn’t take more care

Why didn’t I intentionally go say goodbye?

Even when we were just going home for the term, we would say proper goodbyes

We would hug and wish each other good holidays

But not this time

The only reason I can think of was that I honestly thought I would be back

And maybe I didn’t really want to consider any other alternative

As I hurried to pack my bags and iron my shirt, I didn’t think that it would be the last time that I would iron in Aramide and Seyi’s room and be surrounded by their effortless banter

The last time that Shola and I would sit on my bed and watch a movie while pausing it to talk every five seconds

The last time that I would run through senior girls hostel and standing under the heat of the Olashore sun

The last time I would laugh and gist and argue and eat and dance with the girls I had come to know

The last time I would see the friends I had struggled to make and fought to keep and the school I had truly come to think of as my second home

We complained about it all the time, and yet the community we had there is something I will always be grateful for

I couldn’t come back for exams

I couldn’t come back for graduation

And so in a lot of ways, I never really got to say that goodbye

I didn’t even see it coming

Six years of my life were closed off without any closure

I don’t doubt or blame the circumstances that made me leave, but I can’t help but reflect on the suddenness of it all

Just like that… I went from seeing people everyday for six years, to struggling to find the energy to start and maintain online conversations

It’s just not the same, you know?

But even though I may not have gotten a formal goodbye, I will always remember the joy in church that last Sunday

I’ll always remember the music, the drums, and the feeling of being surrounded by friends, doing the only thing we could about a virus we had not really come to know - lifting it to God

If that was the only goodbye I got, then I’m glad

I can’t help but think about this now as I head straight for another goodbye

After two years, we’re fast approaching the finish line

It’s not quite the same as getting to know people and then re-know them in six years

It feels like it’s been too short to fully know people and in some way, it feels like we’re leaving way too soon

And even though this is a goodbye that I hope I get to have

I honestly don’t really know how to go about it

Maybe COVID saved me that - the inevitable tears and sadness that come with having to say goodbye to people that have become your family

Because now, with that goodbye looming much closer to our horizon, I don’t know what I could say or do to prepare myself for the distance and I can’t help but think that my previous sudden exit was a mercy in some sense

But life always looks that way in hindsight

We can see clearer and visualise the thread running through our different life experiences, leading us to a good end

I believe that… I believe with God the ending will be good

But I’ll be honest, I don’t think I know how to say goodbye

Dera