Another week, another lesson


Another week, another lesson....

I've been listening to this song recently called 'She used to be mine'. I don't know the whole plot of the Broadway show, but from the info I can get from the song, this woman is pregnant with a child from a toxic relationship and she's talking about the girl she used to be that she has lost. That on its own is really powerful. I think it's important to be able to recognise when you are in a very different season in life and it's crucial to be able to focus on what's ahead without constantly trying to compare it to what used to be. But I also think that sometimes when we're trying to make it through a really difficult season and we finally do, we walk away without ever really addressing the pain and trauma of that season. We are so ready for it to be over and done with, so ready for it to be in the past, that we never acknowledge the sadness and maybe the innoncence and joy that we lost in that season. Not to say that new joy cannot be found, but there is something therapuetic about being able to grieve. I cannot pretend to know this intimately and completely, but I would assume that is how families that lost people to something like 9/11 felt. You never want to lose someone, but that feeling of not even knowing if you've lost them? Being able to grieve is a blessing in itself. And I think some losses are worth grieving over. Not so that we can stay in a deep dark place of comparison and despair, but so that we can look back on difficult times and fully appreciate what it took to make it through. In my post two weeks ago, I spoke about having to leave school very suddenely and although it's not the most painful thing that can happen, I have not seen any of my friends physcially since then and that is pretty sad. Writing that piece and being able to grieve over the goodbye and graduation that I lost was therapetuic. I know because of my faith in God that every experience in my life is part of a bigger story that is way beyond just my life. But going through that experience with some time having passed, I was able to acknowledge the sadness that came with the things I didn't get to have while recognising that I am in a great place now and though I may not understand why things happened the way they did, I can be grateful for where I am now. I think the reason why grief can be so powerful like this is because at the point that you begin to grieve, you are no longer pretending that circumstances aren't what they are. You have accepted what isn't and I think grief allows you to mourn that while hoping for what is yet to come. I still struggle sometimes to find how I can be hopeful and believe for amazing things while making wise decisions and being as realsitcs as in necessary. But I guess I have the rest of my life to learn...

I was really struck by one of the lines in the song where she says 'She is broken and won't ask for help'. I have probably spoken about this before because I have definitely struggled with it as well, but why are we a society where weakness is shunned? Why? We aren't perfect. We aren't flawless. So why is there so much shame attached to admitting this? I definitely feel this shame a lot. People compliment me on being so good at certain things, and even though I know this maay not have been their intent, it makes me so wary of showing any weakness in that area of my life. Maybe it's an individual thing where each of us has to work on our own insecurities so we aren't so dependent on compliments or validation from other people to feel complete. We're all more than what we look like on the outside.

God bless y'all.

Dera

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