Accountability

I think one of the greatest gifts of friendship is accountability. But at the beginning, this can be really hard. I remember the beginning of this year - I had just gotten back to school and had tested positive for COVID for the very first time. I was holed up in my room (a situation I didn't really mind) and I was watching this New Years conference and one of the speakers was talking about the power of confessing things to people. She spoke about how our mistakes and bad decisions and choices weigh us down, not just because they are wrong in and of themselves, but because of the guilt that accompanies them. Recently, I've been struggling a lot with guilt that makes me feel like there is no point trying to change and I have to constantly remind myself that I am not my mistakes. But there is also the guilt that weighs you down when you are trying to change. The speaker asked people in the room to find someone to confess to and she advised them not to share surface level things, but their 2% - those things that they wouldn't tell anyone. And we all have our own 2%s, secrets and mistakes that we are so scared of telling people because of how we fear it will change the way people see us and treat us. Trust me, I'm quite well acquainted with this fear and I understand the temptation to gloss over this 2%. To pretend it doesn't exist most of the time, to never tell people about it and when you do, to paint as rosy a picture of it as you can so that people don't understand how bad things are. We as people are terrified of true honesty and vulnerability. We worry about what people will do when we lay our souls bare before them. And if we do this with the wrong people, that fear is justified. But if you have spent the time and put in the effort to build a solid community, being honest and allowing them to keep you accountable, can be a gift.

Today, for the first time ever I think, I opened up to a friend about something I had been struggling with for years. I intended to tell her a while back, when I first watched the conference, but always found excuses not to. Today, we were talking about various things and like normal, I was telling her to pray for me and my numerous issues. And like normal, I was content to not elaborate on what those issues were. I knew she would pray and I would be working on them too and so I had always convinced myself that there wasn't really any need to go deeper than that. But then she asked what issues and I don't even know if she was asking jokingly or not, but I decided to be honest about it and for the first time, I articulated my struggle. And lo and behold, I wasn't thrown into the fire or cast out or mocked. I was understood. She had struggled as well and she advised me. Most importantly, she listened and understood my need for accountability, for someone to pray not just knowing the geenral direction of my struggle but the intimate details. And not everyone of your friends or family members need to know, but just like alcoholics have meetings with people who have the same struggle, it's important for all of us to have community, friends or relatives who actually KNOW what we are facing and can keep us accountable. It's hard when you're on the oustide looking in because all you can see is the potential judgmenet and so you come up with tons of reasons to stay silent. But there is true beauty and growth and frienship when we are honest with the right people. Overcoming an addiction or a struggle begins with acceptance of that struggle, but I think the very next step is admitting that struggle to someone who cares and is invested in seeing you do well. Not easy but necessary and worthwile.

God bless.

Dera