Resolutions


So, with the new year coming around, I’m starting to see a lot of ‘resolution based’ and advice based content online. You see, personally, I don’t think resolutions are bad. Obviously, thinking that you need a new year to come around to make a resolution is flawed thinking that I definitely fall prey to. The idea that we need a significant change of time to make key decisions and changes can quickly become an obstacle to actually changing when you realise you need to. Having said that, there is something special about a new year. A new academic year or new semester is a clean slate. But a new year is different. It’s like getting a reboot. A whole 365, or 366, days to do better. The thing is, if you’re gonna think like that (which isn’t necessarily a bad way to think), then you need to recognise that progress won’t be linear. I’ve struggled with that a lot. I like feedback. I like to be able to see if I’m getting better or not and how I’m improving. Am I doing better than I was yesterday? Last week? Last month? I struggled a bit with my faith this year, as I tried to figure out what progress really looked like. I think part of the problem was definitely me thinking that ultimately, I was meant to get to some place where I wouldn’t struggle anymore. Not even that I wouldn’t struggle as much, but that I wouldn’t struggle period. Thinking like that could only lead to disappointment as I was faced with my human frailty and inability to do the things I really wanted to do. And so I started praying to view progress in the right way. Nothing ruins good resolutions better than having the wrong definition of progress. When I realised my previous definition was flawed and took a step back to really evaluate myself, I realised I was more aware of my areas of weaknesses - can’t work on something you don’t know needs work. And that is progress. I may still feel completely unable to handle those shortcomings, but I’m grateful that I can even recognise them, that I’m not unaware. With my relationships, I was able to trace the root of my insecurities and was able to start recognising the thought patterns and beliefs and habits that were based on those insecurities. And that hasn’t necessarily been a fun process. It hasn’t felt like I’ve been getting better. But I now know that this anxious, judgmental, insecure mindset and belief system isn’t me and I’m excited to get to know who I am as those things are stripped away. So yeah, just wanted to clarify to someone out there that progress doesn’t always feel good and it doesn’t always show on the outside. It’s easy to get discouraged if you’re looking for only tangible signs or if you think it has to look the way it looked before. You can be growing and hurting. The stretch hardly ever feels good, but if we want to grow, we have to embrace the discomfort.

For me, that has also looked a lot like recognising my inability to be good on my own. Good is a quality that is intrinsic to God and trying to be good without seeking God is pretty much impossible. When we try to do it on our own and when I’ve tried to do it on my own, I feel the weight every time I fail. And even when I feel like I succeed, all I can think about is the next time I’m going to have to ‘perform’ or the next thing that can go wrong that I’ll have to be ahead of. We weren’t made to carry all that pressure on our own and quite frankly, we can’t handle it. Trying to be a better Christian, student, daughter, sister, roommate, friend, person and whatever else has looked a lot like recognising that my weakness is a part of me. But that God’s strength is a part of me too. I can’t be everything to myself and for myself and expecting something of myself that I was never made to give will always leave me wanting. This year, I had to face my inability to be the person I wanted to be on my own. I was still judgmental and hurtful to people I loved even though I didn’t want to be. I failed at things I tried and did things that I knew weren’t good for me and drowned in regret. I need God. We need God. Life is hard; much harder when we try to do it with our own limited bank of strength.

And that’s one of my biggest hopes for this new year. I want to be stronger. That’s what progress looks like now. I may still be struggling with the same thought patterns and mindsets and insecurities, but I want to be stronger in resisting them and fighting the truth with lies. I want to be more secure in the fact that I am not going to give in and that I will continue to fight these things. It’s been a beautiful thing; disassembling my previous definition of strong which was mainly based in being able to act like nothing bothered me or got to me, projecting this image of perfection and unshakenness to the work. I’m still not the type of person that just breaks down in public. But I’m getting to the place where I realise that admitting to struggling does not stain my character and if that really does change my reputation to people, then those are not the type of people I need in my space. Difficult things happen in life and I want to have the attitude that enable me to deal with them, but I don’t want to pretend to be this unfeeling, unthinking person so that people will think I’m strong. No one should have to do that. And I’m grateful to be surrounded by people I can be honest with.

Hope this is some good food for thought ahead of the New Year tomorrow.

God bless,

Dera

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Nigeria, America and the UK

Random, random, random.... I was watching a movie the other day and it's a baseball movie, so the coach goes up to the team and proceeds to give them a pep talk. "Y'all have worked so hard...", "get out there and do your best..." - you guys know the drill. And then the team proceeds to play and win or lose, they're still a team. It got me thinking about my experience growing up and playing soccer in Nigeria and then playing it again in the UK (if you keep in mind that in both of these other places, they call it football and that totally makes sense). In the UK, it was kind of similar to America. Before the game, coach would tell us which positions everyone would be playing with his little whiteboard and marker and then we'd get a little pep talk with some tips and would be out on the pitch for the game. This team was a bit different though. About a month into my playing with the club, I started noticing some tension between some of the girls on
Read more

Was MJ right?

Hello, Recently, I feel like my family has been going through a lot of hard stuff. Some things are inconveniences and some other things are life changing, but I think the real challenge is the way each challenge seems to come simultaneously. That has be really hard. I know that we are definitely not alone in this and that there are so many of us out here who legitimately feel like we just can't catch a break; one thing after another attacks which leads to this overriding feeling of fear, anxiety and hopelessness. I was listening to a song today and was reminded that even though gratitude does not change our situation, it changes us. When we are not getting those things that we really want at the moment or we face really difficult situations, it's very easy to enter that place of feeling like you have nothing to be grateful for, or feeling like you need to be prepared for the worst in any situation, or that you cannot rest until you map out everything that could possibly go
Read more

Are you a perfectionist?

To all the perfectionists out there, I woke up on Monday less tired than normal. I go on walks with my mum every now and then and we have to wake up super early so that my mum's ready for work on time. We started walking and all of sudden I started feeling tired. My mum walks pretty fast (even though she'd disagree) and at first I thought it was just that. But the tiredness was deeper than that. I'm not being dramatic. I felt drained from the inside out. I felt tired of trying to catch up to my mum and tired of trying to be better behaviour-wise, cooking-wise and failing. And so my body responded in the only way it knew how; I cried. Before Monday, I would never have called myself a perfectionist. But after a conversation with my mum and some careful, but painful reflection, I realised I was beating myself down for my mistakes and my slip-ups which are completely natural. I also realised that it didn't start on Monday. What I'm trying to say is I've come t
Read more