Dera's Diary

Hey there world, Feels like it’s been forever since I last wrote anything and I guess it really has been. Freshman year is coming to an end, and while I haven’t fully processed it or even really come to terms with it, I’ve been reflecting a bit. I have friends that are graduating and friends that I won’t be living in the same building with next semester, and I think what I find the most dumbfounding (because I haven’t really processed what life will be like without them next semester) is that I was ever in the opportunity to become friends with them. You know how sometimes, you hope for things or pray to God for things, and you obviously want them. But with time, or even maybe at the very beginning, you feel like the chances of those things happening is so slim. But you keep hoping and you keep praying? I’ve had a few of these scenarios in my life now. Definitely enough to know that God can be trusted. I have memories of times when I’ve genuinely seen no way out, no good way

I was listening to ‘a million dreams’ the other day and probably some other song too that I can’t remember at the moment, and I was struck with a sense that my childhood had come to an end. Maybe when I’m a lot older, my college years will still seem like childhood to me, but when I’m in my 20s, when I’m in my 30s and I think about my childhood; when I remember childhood summers and friends and school, I feel like I know what I’ll remember. And those things have already happened. And it was a sad-ish realisation, but also just made me so nostalgic and introspective. I spent so much of my life waiting to become 16. I was satisfied with turning 13 for a while, but 16 always seemed like the goal. That was the apex teenager. The alpha of the pack. Part of this is probably because the books that got me into reading were books about teenage girls and their struggles. I waited so long to ‘have’ those struggles. And honestly, I couldn’t tell you anything that was particularly special about be

Hey... Been thinking a bit about my intentions lately. About how I do things that seem good and that definitely feel good and that make me look noble. But I do it for myself. I do it to be seen as someone willing to sacrifice her time and do all these good things. To be seen as being righteous and kind and compassionate. I've been a people pleaser for a good chunk of my life and it seems like every other day, I continue to recognise just how deep those tendencies run. It's not enough to say that you don't care what people think. And I don't know that that is necessarily the best thing... to just not care at all. But we need to be able to analyse not just the obvious things we do and say that have been influenced by people, but also the way we think and the things we believe and the way we respond to hardship. I think there's a reason it feels good to do something for other people. And I don't think that feeling is bad, or wanting that feeling is bad. But th

I listened to a song today that reminded me of a tough time in my life. I think it’s beautiful how songs do that; they can transport us back to people, to times, to places, to emotions. For some people I know, this isn’t a good thing. They get transported back to difficult times and so those songs that were once lifelines can no longer be listened to in better times. And I get that. You really can end up reliving those difficulty days. But somehow, I always smile. I may be crying and smiling, but I’m always smiling. I have a certain song that reminds me of studying for qualifying exams when I was 13 during a tough time for my family. I have a song that reminds me so vividly of the hotel I stayed at during my first quarantine in 2020. I have songs that remind me of my first thanksgiving in the US. I have a song that reminds me of being 10 years old and in boarding school for the first time (it’s shower by Becky G by the way). And the song that initiated this post actually reminds me of

So, with the new year coming around, I’m starting to see a lot of ‘resolution based’ and advice based content online. You see, personally, I don’t think resolutions are bad. Obviously, thinking that you need a new year to come around to make a resolution is flawed thinking that I definitely fall prey to. The idea that we need a significant change of time to make key decisions and changes can quickly become an obstacle to actually changing when you realise you need to. Having said that, there is something special about a new year. A new academic year or new semester is a clean slate. But a new year is different. It’s like getting a reboot. A whole 365, or 366, days to do better. The thing is, if you’re gonna think like that (which isn’t necessarily a bad way to think), then you need to recognise that progress won’t be linear. I’ve struggled with that a lot. I like feedback. I like to be able to see if I’m getting better or not and how I’m improving. Am I doing better than I was yesterd

It was weird to see people skateboarding for the first time. It’s not like skateboarding as a concept was something that I was unfamiliar with. But the practice, the use of a skateboard to actually transport yourself from point A to point B was something that I only ever fully observed when I started University in the US. I couldn’t help but smile whenever I saw guys gathered in a little nook practicing their flips and trees. My world of movies was becoming my world period. I found myself saying ‘you’re good’ a lot. Someone hits you accidentally when passing by and they apologise, I say ‘you’re good’. It became both my ‘don’t worry about it’ and my ‘you’re welcome’. No one I know from home uses this phrase in this way, but somehow, once I landed in the US, it became a part of my vocabulary that I called on daily. It was really interesting to see the way people experienced weather. See, I grew up and went to school in a pretty hot country. We complained a lot about it, but the heat